What is "normal" when it comes to sex?

A lot of abuse survivors have this question, because what they learned about sex was so *not* normal. They were thrown into the world of sex too fast, too young, without power, without consent... and instead of learning about sex they learned about trauma and abuse and manipulation and pain. This question gets even more complicated when you're talking about people with insiders... because some of them might have learned very different things about sex than others. How do you define normal when some of your people inside your head think sex should hurt, or should be violent, or should never happen, or should be wonderful... all at the same time?

So, let's talk about what is the usual norm in our society as a jumping off point for figuring out if how and why you or your alters want to have sex is healthy. I'll try not to be too graphic so younger ones can read this, but do know that the topic and some of the words involved may be triggery. Proceed with caution. Sorry, this will be a lot longer than I expected... I'm going to break it up into two posts. This one focused on "sex norms" and "consent" and the next post on "masturbation" and "porn."

First of all, beliefs and values and norms change over time. What our current society considers normal was not normal for our parents, or their parents... so let's start with recent history.

Sex was considered something people did when both parties consented (that means agreed and wanted it, not felt forced, manipulated, or too scared to say no). Most people had their first consensual sexual experience in their mid to late teens, usually with someone their own age. Most agreed that sex was something that really should be done in a committed relationship, and not just casually. This was due to religious beliefs (most of which say wait until marriage), social beliefs (women who have many partners are sexual deviants), medical/health concerns (pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases), and psychological concerns (for many people there is an emotional component to sex, and even casual consensual sex can hurt their self-image, self-worth, and mental wellbeing... and breakups of dating relationships are usually worse when sex has been involved). There are others, but those are the biggest that come to mind.

Changes in the 60's and 70's affected society greatly, and medical advances brought better protection against pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. Both of those increased the acceptance level of casual, non-marital/non-serious relationship sex. Both men and women benefitted from that change. People also started to be open and honest about their sexual desires, preferences, and practices. I believe this was a good change. However, the bad side of this change was with more freedom the boundaries got pushed further out, which opened the door to more access and interest into things that had previously been considered deviant. Such as the rapid growth of the pornography industry, which lost all reasons and need to hide and be quiet... which then grew exponentially when the Internet came along. Suddenly anyone with a computer (or cell phone, now) had access to any type of pornography instantly, and without cost, at any hour. It was like free crack cocaine on demand, and that's fueled (and maybe caused) the huge growth in sex/porn addictions we see now affecting both men and women, hitting them sometimes in early teens and tweens even.

Like anything that feels good and gives you a brain chemical rush (like sex, drugs, alcohol, thrill seeking, etc.) you start to want MORE. It starts taking more to give you the benefit, too. More often, more intense, more extreme, more risky, just more more more. So society told people it was ok to own and flaunt their sexuality; sex club and strip clubs and swinger clubs popped up to show people what the *next taboo* was and that it was just within reach; subversive groups understood the power of sex to control, abuse, manipulate, blackmail, and solidify alliances and used sex as a tool and a weapon; and some people began needing to go even more extreme to meet the addictive need - rape, violence, BDSM, beastiality, group sex/orgies, and sex that debased and humiliated their partner (verbally, sexually, emotionally, etc.).

The sexual landscape has changed drastically in the last few decades, which may be the same decades you were born into, raised, and learned about sex. If you have confusing beliefs about sex, it's really no wonder given all the changes that have happened since your birth into this society. And if you moved into this society at some point after your birth, talk about culture shock! Luckily some research indicates that the younger generation may actually be becoming more sexually conservative so maybe there's hope for humans still.

Ok, so back to normal. What is it? Well, it's pretty much a setting on the washing machine. But let's try to set some averages anyway.

Some statistics from a study done in the UK in 2013:

Based on 15,000 adults aged 16-44:

• Average age of losing virginity: Males & Females 16
• Average number of opposite-sex sexual partners in their lifetime: Males: 11.7, Females 7.7
• Percentage who have had same-sex sexual experiences: Males 5-7%, Females 8-16%
• Average times men and women have sex in a month: 3
• Percentage of women who reported they had been forced to have sex at some point: 10%

Trends include people losing their virginity earlier over the past few decades, and people having more partners in their lifetime than the past generations. There appeared to have been a period of having sex more frequently in the 90s, but that has no decreased (possibly due to increased work demands, increased distractions from other hobbies like the Internet, and decreased sexual activity with partners are more people turn to porn and Internet-based sex?).

The Centers for Disease Control's survey in the USA has slightly different numbers, but it's a few years older, from 2002-2010:

• Average age of losing virginity: Males & Females [ages 15-44 (2010)] 17.1
• Average number of opposite-sex sexual partners in their lifetime: Males [ages 25-44 (2008)] 6.1, Females [ages 25-44 (2008)] 3.6
• Percentage who have had same-sex sexual experiences: Males [ages 15-44 (2010)] 5.1%, Females [ages 18-44 (2010)] 14.2%
• Percentage of women 18-44 who reported they had been forced to have intercourse by a male: 20.3%
• Percentage of men 18-44 who reported they had been forced to have intercourse by a female or a male: 6.4%

Neither of these large studies looked at masturbation though, and that's where things get really tricky for most people with Dissociative Disorders or trauma histories. There isn't a lot of current research on the topic, but it's an area where not just the past few decades but the past few centuries have completed changed the perception of what is normal. For a very long exploration of the history, check out this 2002 article from Planned Parenthood on "Masturbation: From Stigma to Sexual Health". Just a warning, it might put you to sleep. If the history bores you, skip to the last few pages where it talks specifically about masturbation (touching your own genitals for pleasure) as being a normal part of child development (even when the child is too young to understand that this can be a sexual act). To children, most of them find it by accident, and it just feels good and releases stress. They don't think anything past that. As we get older, and understand more about sex, sexual desires, sexual relationships, and the people we want to have sex with (or fantasies about), then we add to that simple act of touching genitals by adding in our mind and our hearts... and that's what makes it truly become a sexual act rather than a tactile or touch response.

Touch response is maybe where we need to start when dealing with sex for trauma survivors. Yes, your body is wired from birth to have specific reactions to specific types and locations of tactile or touch stimulation. We don't have to learn that a hug or a warm blanket feels safe, we just instinctively know it (until we're taught or traumatized to learn differently). Babies don't have to be taught how to suckle, they already have the innate ability to root and suckle... what we have to train is actually the mother how to breastfeed. No one had to teach us that intense cold, intense heat, and sharp objects are things we should avoid and pull away from. Our bodies and our brains are already built to avoid danger and pain in order to stay healthy and alive. Likewise, we came born with genitals that already knew that some types of touch would feel pleasurable and cause our brain and body to react without out thinking about it or choosing to react. You are no less a victim of traumatic sexual events just because your body reacted to what was happening. Sexual abuse does not need to be painful, bloody, or violent to still be abuse. Even if part of your brain felt pleasure doesn't mean you had the power/permission, the maturity/experience/age, the verbal skills, or the understanding of the consequences, to be able to give consent to what was happening to you.

Sexual consent means knowing what's expected to likely occur during the sexual activity (what's desired, what behaviors and activities are wanted/allowed and not wanted/limited/a boundary).

Are all the involved participants sober enough, calm enough, rational enough, currently mentally healthy enough to understand what's happening, give consent, and have the ability to stop or change things once the sexual activity begins? Is there a need for a "safe word" or other signal for when someone needs the activity to stop, especially if the person has a barrier to being able to say "no" or "stop." Sexual consent should also involve a continual checking during the activity, especially with trauma survivors and dissociatives, to make sure they are still grounded, present, and consenting. That means looking for verbal and non-verbal cues that tell you someone is still enjoying what is going on, and still participating in the sexual activity. If your partner told you they wanted to have sex, but suddenly stopped making verbal signs to indicate enjoyment, or stopped participating (such as suddenly just lies flat), they may have dissociated or even switched to another state that is no longer able or willing to give consent (or worse, unable to stop the activity completely).

Just because you had consent before the activity began doesn't mean you have consent the whole way through. Pay attention. It also means don't drastically change plans... if your partner was ok having "vanilla" sex and you suddenly want to pull out sex toys or venture into BDSM, you may not have consent for that and you need to ask again. With dissociative, you're liable to cause a switch in who's out in the body when you drastically change the sexual activity involved. Get consent again. Make sure they know they won't be hurt or punished if they don't want to give consent. The longer you're with the same sex partner, the more you'll be able to read these subtle clues that indicate when consent may have evaporated or changed due to dissociation or switching. But the first few times, be very obvious about attaining consent and be very permissive in allowing non-consent or limits.

But what about sex that doesn't involve another outside person? Well, that's the next post... "What is "normal" when it comes to solo sex?" followed by "How do you try to define “healthy" sexual habits?".