How do you try to define "healthy" sexual habits?

So now that you know what some of the main "norms" are when it comes to sexual behaviors from my previous two articles ("What is "normal" when it comes to sex" and "What is "normal" when it comes to solo sex?"), how do we define what is healthy?  Whether you have a trauma or dissociative issues or not, there are still a lot of red flags you can look for to determine if you may be facing an unhealthy sexual pattern.

Continue to proceed with caution for triggery topics and possibly graphic terms.

Let's start with the basics of intention, motivation, and tools: 

• Intention:
• Are they seeking something that they know is pleasurable? It might be healthy. 
• Or are they trying to trigger, manipulate, threaten, scare, harm, flood (with memories or body sensations), someone else inside? That's not healthy. 

• Motivation:
• Are they consenting to their own behavior? Do they feel in control of what's happening? Do they feel able and are they willing to stop if the body needs to stop? Are they able to stop themselves if the behavior is no longer safe and desirable (for example, if they get triggered, or if someone else inside the body pushes them to the point of hurting the body sexually)? It might be healthy 
• Do they feel a compulsion to do this? Where it's not a calm, reasoned out choice, but something they feel driven to do? Something they "must" or "have to" do? Do they fear a negative consequence if they don't to the activity (for example, increased stress, pain, internal strife, triggering/flooding, or feeling overwhelmed)? Is it possible that a trigger is driving them, or that someone else inside is forcing them to feel this compulsion (maybe because that person has a very different intent)? That's not healthy. 

• Tools: 
• Are they using something that is safe to the body, in a way that is safe to the body? It might be healthy. 
• Or are they using household objects which weren't intended as sex toys (or even things that are meant as sex toys but may be in materials that the body is allergic to), or sharps to cause bleeding, or unhygienic methods or objects that might cause infections, or so much force that they are causing the body's tissues to bleed? That's not healthy. 

Other issues that need to be evaluated that involve more than just you and the body:

• Safety: 
• Are they choosing to engage in sexual activities in a safe environment? Where the body is safe and under their control, and the consequences of doing the activity in this place are not negative? It might be healthy. 
• Or do they run the risk of being arrested, being sexually attacked, losing control over the body (i.e., an outsider takes control without consent), having a minor walk in on the activity, being fired from work, having a car accident, or other negative consequence based on where they are performing this activity? That's not healthy.

• Relationship Health: 
• Are they still able to function adequately in their relationships, including sexual relationships and social relationships? It might be healthy. 
• Are they using solo sexual activities, or activities with people who aren't their partner, at the expense of their other relationships? Do they have less interest and willingness to have sexual activity with their partner because they are spending so much energy masturbating or watching porn or other sexual activities? Has their desire for more intense activities, to reach sexual fulfillment, changed to drastically that their partner can't or won't consent to their new needs (for example, someone who becomes interested in BDSM pornography and wants to bring those behaviors into a relationship where that hasn't existed before, and the other partner is not interested or feels it is not safe for them)? Do they now have warped expectations of what is normal in appearance and behaviors and sexual wants for themselves or their partners based on pornography (not consensual experiences)... that greatly differ from what is actually normal? That's not healthy. 

• Duration/Time Spent: 
• Are you able to get your routine activities completed? Are you able to meet the needs of your family and school and occupation? Are you able to engage in sexual activities only as long as you actually need to? It might be healthy. 
• Are you losing big chunks of time engaging in sexual activity to the point that you're falling behind on other important things? Or losing sleep because you're staying up to late/long pursuing sexual activities? Is your partner or your family complaining about the amount of time you spend on these activities (for example, too long on the computer, not enough time with sexual activities with your partner)? Are you finding that it takes longer and longer to feel like you've reached your goal (for example, 10-15 minutes used to be enough, but now you need 60 minutes or more)? That's not healthy. 

• Quality of Life: 
• Do your sexual activities benefit you and add to the quality of your life? Does it make you more happy, content, peaceful, confident, and feed your emotional needs? It might be healthy. 
• Or does it make you feel guilty, dirty, ashamed, tired, broken, scared, anxious, or depressed? Does it make you feel abnormal and further distanced from friends and family and your partner? Are you afraid of what will happen if you partner, family, or boss finds out about your habits or risks? That's not healthy. 

• Consent: 
• Do they have the consent of the insiders and outsiders who are near them and aware of what they are doing? Are they able to block out or distance themselves from those who have objections (such as religious differences of opinion), or those who might get triggered? Are they willing and able to stop if some accidentally gets triggered out who is not safe or triggered by what's going on? Then it might be healthy. 
• Or are they wanting to watch porn or masturbate or participate in other sexual activities regardless of who is near, what they think, and what damage they might be causing to other people in the system? If they are unwilling to compromise to find a way to balance everyone's needs, especially if they are already falling into these other risks categories we've identified, then it's not safe for the system. That's not safe. 

• Pain/Blood/Overstimulation/Dropping:
• Are they seeking to cause pain, bleeding, overstimulation (such as for causing someone else inside the system to become overwhelmed enough to have a crying fit, to cut, to trigger eating disorder behaviors, or other negative consequences), or to cause enough overstimulation and overwhelm to cause the body to drop (such as when one alter forces others to suddenly pass out or sleep for safety concerns, or because the resources have been depleted)? That's not safe. 

• Unhealthy Concepts of "Normal": 
• Bleeding during sex is not normal. 
• Pain during sex is not normal. 
• Feeling trapped, helpless, or scared during sex is not normal. 
• Feeling like you have to have sex or you'll be hurt is not normal. 
• Feeling like you have to have sex or you'll feel even worse (more depressed, more anxious, more suicidal, more overwhelmed) is not normal. 
• Feeling like you can never get enough sex, that nothing makes you feel the release or satisfaction of healthy and consensual sex, is not normal. 
• Feeling like you have to lie about (or hide) you sexual activities is not normal. 

Well, what about BDSM (or other kinks)? What if I want to consent to that?

You need to talk to your system. The situations, environments, power-plays, and toys that might attract your interest may cause harm to the body or others inside. Many alters will look at BDSM and say "see, it's normal" when what they are trying to do is rationalize why they are used to sex being painful, scary, violent, out of their control, forced onto them, or causing the body actual harm. They don't understand that the people who participate in BDSM give their consent. The submissive partner is the one who sets the limits on what is and what is not allowed to happen to them. It is the job of the Dominant partner to respect those limits and work within them. That is the exact opposite of what happened to you in abuse.

BSDM also appears to be painful and violent to some people. What they don't realize is that something that can appear painful (such as flogging) isn't about pain, it's about sensation and blood flow. Taken too far, yes it can become painful. But very rarely is pain the goal (and when it is the goal of the submissive it is still in their control to say stop, slow down, or do something else whenever they desire). Discomfort and power-play may be part of it, but the consent never stops. If a Dominant refuses to allow or refuses to honor the safe word, which ends consent immediately, then they have crossed into the area of sexual assault.

Until you are strong enough to be able to say stop, and until you have a BDSM partner that you trust to pay attention to your verbal and non-verbal cues (especially dissociation and switching and being triggered), you should not be messing around with BDSM. Period. You'll only re-traumatize people inside and throw your recovery way back at best... and at worst you'll trigger someone else inside into self-injury, self-destructive, and maybe even suicidal habits.

Remember, the pain and chaos you may have been taught was "normal" as part of sex, isn't. You may be seeking out those same experiences in order to trigger yourself, triggers others, or numb out emotions and thoughts and compulsions (including being forced to seek it out by others inside your system) that you don't know how to cope with. Get help from others inside, and from your support system or therapist outside the system. Do not just accept more pain and choas and internal fighting/attacks as being normal. Take a step to end abuse... you're own abuse... that you learned because people violated your body, your mind, and your trust. It's not your fault, but it is your responsibility to choose wisely now.

Sex isn't supposed to be miserable. It's supposed to be fun, and enjoyable, and relaxing. It's supposed to bring people closer together and strengthen their relationship. Not trap them, or keep them afraid.

So, the more flags you've hit as being "not healthy" increase your risk that your behavior has crossed the line into a coping mechanism gone wrong, a sexual addiction, a form of self-injury, or another negative pattern that needs to be explored and addressed.

That's a lot to think about.

Would love to hear your thoughts in the comments!

What is "normal" when it comes to solo sex?

Continuing from my previous post on "What is "normal" when it comes to sex?"... what is normal when it comes to solo sexual activity?

I'll try not to be too graphic so younger ones can read this, but do know that the topic and some of the words involved may be triggery. You may need to have them read only specific parts of this article if you think it contains something they need to hear. Again, proceed with caution.

So, back to masturbation... yes it's normal, and yes your body is hard-wired for it. Your trauma, society, religion, values, and other outside pressures may have changed your perception of when and if, and how often masturbation is acceptable. Many MPD systems begin to fight over this topic... because of their differences in opinions, past experiences, and what they've been taught. The biggest concern when one alter begins to masturbate, and has different beliefs and reactions than the others who are aware of it, is figuring out if what they want to do and why they want to do it is healthy for them and the body.

There's several things to look at to determine if the desire and behavior is "healthy" (including meaning safe to people inside, safe to the body, and safe to the mental health of the system as a whole).

So that brings us to the first question... how much is too much? I like this graph from http://fivethirtyeight.com/ that pulls out the data from the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior research on this topic:




Remember, this is what people reported they did. It doesn't really tell you what is healthy, just what the people answering the questions reported doing. What is healthy for you and your body depends on several things:

• Age/Life Changes: The older your get, usually the less frequently you masturbate. Why? Well the hormone shock of teenage and early 20s settles out. With women there's another drop in masturbation if sex becomes more uncomfortable due to pain or dryness brought on by menopause or hysterectomy. Lives get busier and many people don't have the time or energy for sexual activity because of jobs, kids, family obligations etc. As we age we also tend to become married/committed to someone and our masturbation levels drops because of our sexual partner (they may ask us not to, they may feel hurt or rejected if you masturbate instead of having sex with them, we may not have the sexual energy to have partnered sex and solo sex at the same time period, etc.). 

• Medical Conditions: Women especially notice their sex drive changes with their cycles on a monthly basis. But our overall hormonal levels and makeup also affect our sex drive. Women who have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) or other hormonal imbalances, which tend to cause them to have less estrogen and more testosterone, may have a higher sex drive. Women on hormonal birth control methods may also notice a change. In addition to these, other medical factors affect sexual drive and performance such as taking psychotropic medications (anti-depressants have a nasty habit of decreasing sex drive drastically), medications for high blood pressure (cause negative performance issues for men), and chronic health conditions (like immune disorders, chronic pain, high blood pressure, and diabetes) can all drastically decrease your sex life too. 

• Mental Health: People who suffer from depression or Bipolar may notice that their sex drive drops when they are in a depressed period. Other people may notice the opposite... their sex drive might increase during these rough times because they are seeking a "high" from the sex. Just a brief bit of feeling happy and normal and alive when the rest of their world seems out of control. This can be a dangerous pattern to get into because it can be a sign of sexual addiction. Other people notice that certain time of the year may be less sexually safe for them due to their own trauma history and triggers. 

From my clinical experience, I begin to worry about sexual addiction or other unhealthy sexual habits when a client is having sexual activities (solo or not) or using pornography more than 4 times a week for females, and more than 5 times a week for males. There is not a firm line here between healthy and unhealthy, but anything more than once a day is probably unhealthy.  Still, frequency is such a small part of the overall picture.  Some of the same issues we have to evaluate when determining if it's an unhealthy behavior is the same basics we have to look for when a trauma or dissociative issue is present.

How do you being to figure out if your sexual activity patterns are healthy or might be unhealthy?  That's my next article... "How do you try to define "healthy"sexual habits?"

What is "normal" when it comes to sex?

A lot of abuse survivors have this question, because what they learned about sex was so *not* normal. They were thrown into the world of sex too fast, too young, without power, without consent... and instead of learning about sex they learned about trauma and abuse and manipulation and pain. This question gets even more complicated when you're talking about people with insiders... because some of them might have learned very different things about sex than others. How do you define normal when some of your people inside your head think sex should hurt, or should be violent, or should never happen, or should be wonderful... all at the same time?

So, let's talk about what is the usual norm in our society as a jumping off point for figuring out if how and why you or your alters want to have sex is healthy. I'll try not to be too graphic so younger ones can read this, but do know that the topic and some of the words involved may be triggery. Proceed with caution. Sorry, this will be a lot longer than I expected... I'm going to break it up into two posts. This one focused on "sex norms" and "consent" and the next post on "masturbation" and "porn."

First of all, beliefs and values and norms change over time. What our current society considers normal was not normal for our parents, or their parents... so let's start with recent history.

Sex was considered something people did when both parties consented (that means agreed and wanted it, not felt forced, manipulated, or too scared to say no). Most people had their first consensual sexual experience in their mid to late teens, usually with someone their own age. Most agreed that sex was something that really should be done in a committed relationship, and not just casually. This was due to religious beliefs (most of which say wait until marriage), social beliefs (women who have many partners are sexual deviants), medical/health concerns (pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases), and psychological concerns (for many people there is an emotional component to sex, and even casual consensual sex can hurt their self-image, self-worth, and mental wellbeing... and breakups of dating relationships are usually worse when sex has been involved). There are others, but those are the biggest that come to mind.

Changes in the 60's and 70's affected society greatly, and medical advances brought better protection against pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. Both of those increased the acceptance level of casual, non-marital/non-serious relationship sex. Both men and women benefitted from that change. People also started to be open and honest about their sexual desires, preferences, and practices. I believe this was a good change. However, the bad side of this change was with more freedom the boundaries got pushed further out, which opened the door to more access and interest into things that had previously been considered deviant. Such as the rapid growth of the pornography industry, which lost all reasons and need to hide and be quiet... which then grew exponentially when the Internet came along. Suddenly anyone with a computer (or cell phone, now) had access to any type of pornography instantly, and without cost, at any hour. It was like free crack cocaine on demand, and that's fueled (and maybe caused) the huge growth in sex/porn addictions we see now affecting both men and women, hitting them sometimes in early teens and tweens even.

Like anything that feels good and gives you a brain chemical rush (like sex, drugs, alcohol, thrill seeking, etc.) you start to want MORE. It starts taking more to give you the benefit, too. More often, more intense, more extreme, more risky, just more more more. So society told people it was ok to own and flaunt their sexuality; sex club and strip clubs and swinger clubs popped up to show people what the *next taboo* was and that it was just within reach; subversive groups understood the power of sex to control, abuse, manipulate, blackmail, and solidify alliances and used sex as a tool and a weapon; and some people began needing to go even more extreme to meet the addictive need - rape, violence, BDSM, beastiality, group sex/orgies, and sex that debased and humiliated their partner (verbally, sexually, emotionally, etc.).

The sexual landscape has changed drastically in the last few decades, which may be the same decades you were born into, raised, and learned about sex. If you have confusing beliefs about sex, it's really no wonder given all the changes that have happened since your birth into this society. And if you moved into this society at some point after your birth, talk about culture shock! Luckily some research indicates that the younger generation may actually be becoming more sexually conservative so maybe there's hope for humans still.

Ok, so back to normal. What is it? Well, it's pretty much a setting on the washing machine. But let's try to set some averages anyway.

Some statistics from a study done in the UK in 2013:

Based on 15,000 adults aged 16-44:

• Average age of losing virginity: Males & Females 16
• Average number of opposite-sex sexual partners in their lifetime: Males: 11.7, Females 7.7
• Percentage who have had same-sex sexual experiences: Males 5-7%, Females 8-16%
• Average times men and women have sex in a month: 3
• Percentage of women who reported they had been forced to have sex at some point: 10%

Trends include people losing their virginity earlier over the past few decades, and people having more partners in their lifetime than the past generations. There appeared to have been a period of having sex more frequently in the 90s, but that has no decreased (possibly due to increased work demands, increased distractions from other hobbies like the Internet, and decreased sexual activity with partners are more people turn to porn and Internet-based sex?).

The Centers for Disease Control's survey in the USA has slightly different numbers, but it's a few years older, from 2002-2010:

• Average age of losing virginity: Males & Females [ages 15-44 (2010)] 17.1
• Average number of opposite-sex sexual partners in their lifetime: Males [ages 25-44 (2008)] 6.1, Females [ages 25-44 (2008)] 3.6
• Percentage who have had same-sex sexual experiences: Males [ages 15-44 (2010)] 5.1%, Females [ages 18-44 (2010)] 14.2%
• Percentage of women 18-44 who reported they had been forced to have intercourse by a male: 20.3%
• Percentage of men 18-44 who reported they had been forced to have intercourse by a female or a male: 6.4%

Neither of these large studies looked at masturbation though, and that's where things get really tricky for most people with Dissociative Disorders or trauma histories. There isn't a lot of current research on the topic, but it's an area where not just the past few decades but the past few centuries have completed changed the perception of what is normal. For a very long exploration of the history, check out this 2002 article from Planned Parenthood on "Masturbation: From Stigma to Sexual Health". Just a warning, it might put you to sleep. If the history bores you, skip to the last few pages where it talks specifically about masturbation (touching your own genitals for pleasure) as being a normal part of child development (even when the child is too young to understand that this can be a sexual act). To children, most of them find it by accident, and it just feels good and releases stress. They don't think anything past that. As we get older, and understand more about sex, sexual desires, sexual relationships, and the people we want to have sex with (or fantasies about), then we add to that simple act of touching genitals by adding in our mind and our hearts... and that's what makes it truly become a sexual act rather than a tactile or touch response.

Touch response is maybe where we need to start when dealing with sex for trauma survivors. Yes, your body is wired from birth to have specific reactions to specific types and locations of tactile or touch stimulation. We don't have to learn that a hug or a warm blanket feels safe, we just instinctively know it (until we're taught or traumatized to learn differently). Babies don't have to be taught how to suckle, they already have the innate ability to root and suckle... what we have to train is actually the mother how to breastfeed. No one had to teach us that intense cold, intense heat, and sharp objects are things we should avoid and pull away from. Our bodies and our brains are already built to avoid danger and pain in order to stay healthy and alive. Likewise, we came born with genitals that already knew that some types of touch would feel pleasurable and cause our brain and body to react without out thinking about it or choosing to react. You are no less a victim of traumatic sexual events just because your body reacted to what was happening. Sexual abuse does not need to be painful, bloody, or violent to still be abuse. Even if part of your brain felt pleasure doesn't mean you had the power/permission, the maturity/experience/age, the verbal skills, or the understanding of the consequences, to be able to give consent to what was happening to you.

Sexual consent means knowing what's expected to likely occur during the sexual activity (what's desired, what behaviors and activities are wanted/allowed and not wanted/limited/a boundary).

Are all the involved participants sober enough, calm enough, rational enough, currently mentally healthy enough to understand what's happening, give consent, and have the ability to stop or change things once the sexual activity begins? Is there a need for a "safe word" or other signal for when someone needs the activity to stop, especially if the person has a barrier to being able to say "no" or "stop." Sexual consent should also involve a continual checking during the activity, especially with trauma survivors and dissociatives, to make sure they are still grounded, present, and consenting. That means looking for verbal and non-verbal cues that tell you someone is still enjoying what is going on, and still participating in the sexual activity. If your partner told you they wanted to have sex, but suddenly stopped making verbal signs to indicate enjoyment, or stopped participating (such as suddenly just lies flat), they may have dissociated or even switched to another state that is no longer able or willing to give consent (or worse, unable to stop the activity completely).

Just because you had consent before the activity began doesn't mean you have consent the whole way through. Pay attention. It also means don't drastically change plans... if your partner was ok having "vanilla" sex and you suddenly want to pull out sex toys or venture into BDSM, you may not have consent for that and you need to ask again. With dissociative, you're liable to cause a switch in who's out in the body when you drastically change the sexual activity involved. Get consent again. Make sure they know they won't be hurt or punished if they don't want to give consent. The longer you're with the same sex partner, the more you'll be able to read these subtle clues that indicate when consent may have evaporated or changed due to dissociation or switching. But the first few times, be very obvious about attaining consent and be very permissive in allowing non-consent or limits.

But what about sex that doesn't involve another outside person? Well, that's the next post... "What is "normal" when it comes to solo sex?" followed by "How do you try to define “healthy" sexual habits?".

Coming back to the blog

Ok, send me your questions and I'll get back on track.

A lot has changed inside since we last blogged here.

So one of our first assignments is going to be reading back through this blog to see how our thoughts have changed about these topics, and updating our answers as needed.

We have also entered the world of MKUltra/programming/intentionally created systems, which we are starting to use the acronym #MCSRA with on Twitter to combine the MC/MindControl and Sadistic/Satanic/Ritualistic Abuse forms since they have *so* much in common.  So if you have questions on that stuff, I'll try to field them the best I can.

Stay safe everyone. It's a bumpy ride, but it's something we can do together.