What's it like to switch?

Q: What's it like to switch? - David

A: I have never seen a tv show, movie, or book that has resonated with how it feels for me to live with Dissociative Identity Disorder as much as Quantum Leap. I had to be like Sam Beckett trying to figure out the missing pieces, while preventing people from realizing I was someone else, and trying to figure out what tasks had to be done before I leapt out of there.

An alter is inside, minding their own business, maybe even sleeping. Then, usually without warning, unless they were intentionally trying to take over control of the body, they find themselves out. Being out means you are in control of the body, and you may or may not have access to the other people inside the body. But as a survivor of abuse you know that your life depends upon maintaining the secret of the abuse. That also means hiding the secret that your body holds more than one...

So you find yourself out, surrounded by people and places you may have never seen before. Maybe doing activities you've never done before. Minutes, hours, days, or even weeks may have passed since the last time you were out. All you really know is your own personal past, and your own personal skills. Sure, the previous alter may have known how to drive, but do you? Do you even know where you are driving to? Do you pull over and wait, or are you going to be stuck out for so long that waiting is pointless?

Usually alters can hear at least one other alter who is still inside, and sometimes they can communicate to each other. This may be an alter who can offer help and guidance, like Al does in Quantum Leap. Or maybe they can can go ask others that theynhave access to that your don't, like Ziggy the Computer in Quantum Leap or the staff back in the lab that Sam can't talk to.

Since we honestly believed hiding our existence was the only way to survive, we did not develop very obvious external differences, like you often see in movies or tv shows. My access to clothes, jewelry, makeup, etc was the same regardless of who was out. We viewed the body as a car: no matter who gets in to drive, the car is still the same; how they choose to drive may be very different though. I have graceful alters, and I have klutzes. I have alters who feel fat and slow, and alters who feel skinny and fast in the same body.

The biggest change some people notice is my mood and language shifts, and that my beliefs or point of view may change depending on who is out. For example, I don't curse often. A frequently out part of me, however, curses like a sailor, and with much comfort! But my skills also change. My boys know how to build things and are mechanically inclined than me. Some of my people are very socially comfortable whereas I am quiet and introverted. Some have religious or spiritual knowledge while others do not. One knows Spanish, one knows American Sign Language, one doesn't know how to speak.

There are times when you want to leave being in control up to someone else. When I have a lot of physical pain, I want someone better equipped to deal with it to be out. Sometimes you don't want to give up control, but are forced to. Either one of administrators of my system shuts the whole body down, or they can force a replacement out. This is good for dealing with alters who are self-destructive and putting the body at risk, or who are having a panic attack or otherwise not functioning well. And sometimes someone else just wants the control because they want the control. They have people to talk to, things to do, or just cabin fever from being inside too long. This can be the worst shift.

When I am out, and someone else demands to be out, and I don't want to let them do that, I have to fight. I have to fight to keep focus on where i am and what I am doing. I have to fight to shut their voice or images out of my head that they are distracting me with. They may turn up the volume to drown out my own thoughts. It may give me a headache because were both fighting for the same mental resources. Some of them used to be able to cause physical pain (muscle spasms, migraines, IBS, stabbing pains, dizziness, nausea, feeling cold or hot). Luckily since the body know does that all on it's own, no one uses that tool anymore because now they've been on the receiving end.

I had a grad school profess assume I was ADD/ADHD because in class I would fight to stay out for the lecture. My ways of doing that usually involved a LOT of foot tapping or leg bouncing because the constant physical sensation and exertion helped me keep others away. I was also a prolific doodler and almost frequent gum chewer for the same reasons.

Then there are times when you've had enough and you want to go back inside. Sometimes no one else wants to deal with what you're dealing with either, and you get abandoned and locked out. Sometimes alters would resort to self-injury or cutting to force someone else to come out to protect the body. Other times the system can't seem to make a switch happen (stress, inner turmoil, no one wants to be out, they can't afford to let the person who is out to come back inside yet), in which case we usually escaped to sleep. So, once again, like Sam Beckett, sometimes it's time to leap, and sometimes it isn't.